A Conversation Parked On Awkward Street
by deetrixjaay
Summary: Spencer tries to give Sam and Freddie THE TALK. Somebody raise the awkward flag please!


_Bonjour mon amour! _It's DEETRIXJAAY, back again with an awkward little one shot for you guys [: _Apprèciez s'il vous plaît!_

**Disclaimer: **_Je ne possède pas _iCarly. I think you can translate that.

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><p>I down the hall to my apartment seriously pooped from bowling with Socko and his grandmother. You know, for an eighty-one year old woman, Socko's grandmother was a pretty wicked bowler. I felt a buzz from my butt pocket. <em>One New Message.<em>

**Carly: hey spence! me and jordan went out for a smoothie. i'll be back by 7 or 8.**

Oh, Carly and her many little boyfriends. I typed in a reply.

**Spencer: okay. have fun.**

**BUT NOT TOO MUCH FUN! **I added quickly. Her boyfriends were alright, until they got too touchy feely with her. I shuddered and realized I was in front of my apartment. I turned the knob. It was unlocked. Either Sam and Freddie were probably here, no doubt (I mean, when are they _not_?). Since they started dating, they've been spending more time here than usual. I swung open the door and was met by the most disturbing scene.

Sam was straddled on Freddie's lap with her hands tangled in his hair. Freddie had his hands running down Sam's waist and to her legs. And they were making out. Heavily. My eyes widened as Freddie broke the kiss and began sucking on Sam's neck. I choked when I heard Sam moan. Oh my dear lord. I felt like an old, perverted pedophile watching them make out. I couldn't take it anymore.

"OH GOD! MY EYES! THERE ARE THINGS A MAN DOES NOT NEED TO SEE!" I yelled, dropping all of my stuff on the floor.

The two teens broke apart and I swear I saw Sam give a frustrated sigh. "Hey to you to Spencer," she said, slowly climbing off Freddie's lap. Freddie nodded towards me. They were completely ignoring the fact that I just walk in on them practically trying to swallow each other. Which I totally just did!

I threw my hands in the air. "You can't make love on my couch and just go all, 'hey to you to Spencer'," I said, mimicking Sam's voice.

Sam rolled her eyes and made a motion as if she was waving me away. "Geez Spencer, relax a little, would ya? We weren't 'making love'," she made quotation marks with her fingers. "We were just making out a little."

I turned towards Freddie. He just shrugged and gave me a sort of embarrassed 'what-can-you-do-about-it' look. I sighed and shook my head, heading towards the kitchen. "My poor eyes…" I mumbled.

I pulled out some sandwich stuff from the fridge, thinking hard about Sam and Freddie's relationship. I risked a peek at them. Phew, they weren't making out anymore. Sam was just snuggled into Freddie's chest, watching TV, and he was absentmindedly playing with her hair. It was kind of cute. But, it still didn't erase the burn in my eyes from their previous position.

As I layered my sandwich, I thought some more. Sam and Freddie were in love. They proved that much at Troubled Waters. And they were serious about. But what if they got _too _serious? Kissing was one thing, but full blown make out sessions on my couch was a whole different matter. What if I came home an hour later? What would I find? Clothes strewn across the room? A used condom near the couch? I felt bile rising in my throat. Sam was practically my other baby sister and the thought of her doing those things made me want to puke, even if it was with a good guy like Freddie.

I knew what I had to do. Sandwich in hand, I walked over to the chair next to the couch. Sam and Freddie's eyes flickered towards me, then back to the TV. I cleared my throat uncomfortably.

Freddie looked at me. "Is there something you need, Spencer?"

Sam rolled her eyes. "Make it quick, Spence, a new episode of Girly Cow is on."

I took a deep breath. "We need to talk." They both shot me a look, as if saying, 'Well?' "Uh so, you guys love each other. A lot." It wasn't meant as a question, but Freddie answered anyways.

"Yes. Of course." He looked at Sam expectantly. She pouted. "Sam?" he asked, dragging out the 'a'.

She huffed. "Yeah, yeah, love you bunches, Freddork. Now moving on." She was blushing slightly. I smiled at the cute moment they just shared. My smile dropped when I remembered what I needed to talk to them about.

"Okay, you love each, yes. And when two people love each, as you two do," I paused, looking down at my sandwich. I started picking at the crust with my fingers, "they um, get serious. And when they're serious, they want to, er, do," I cleared my throat again, "_things_. And sometimes-"

"Woah, nuh-uh. No, no, no, we are not having this conversation," Sam yelled loudly. I tore my gaze from my sandwich. Sam was sitting with her head buried in her hands and Freddie was rubbing the back of his neck nervously. They were both turning red.

I sat up higher. "Yes we are, you two. I'm being serious right now. I don't want see little Sams and Freddies running around Bushwell Plaza any time soon. You're only seventeen years old, you guys. Too young for-" This time, Freddie cut me off.

"Spencer! Sam and I, we're not, um, having… you know, sex," he said, turning an even deeper shade of red as he mumbled the last word.

I let out of relief. "Oh thank the holy lordy," I said in one breath. There was a super awkward silence. The three of us fidgeted around in our spots, avoiding any eye contact. "So…"

"So…" Freddie repeated, fiddling with the hem of his T-shirt.

"Yeah…" Sam toyed with the ends of her hair.

I whistled. "Yup, I- I guess we're done here… uh, good talk."

"You too, Spencer," they said at the same time.

Silence.

I needed something to fill the awkward-ness. I started laughing loudly. Sam and Freddie looked at me like I was a maniac. Then, they joined me, hesitantly. Soon, we all had tears in our eyes and we were clutching our stomachs, doubled over in laughter. The seriousness of the conversation seemed to have caused us to crack. The door swung opened, revealing a very confused Carly. My laughs reduced to small chuckles.

"What's going on here?" my baby sister asked, walking into the room slowly.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and straightened up. "Oh, nothing, Carly. Nothing at all." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sam and Freddie still doubled over on the couch, shoulders shaking from laughing.

Carly glanced over at the couple, who shut up quickly. She turned back to me. "Are you sure?"

"Shoosh yeah!"

"Okay, but if something weird is going o- OH MY GOD! SPENCER! YOUR SANDWICH IS ON FIRE!"

I stared down in horror at the flaming sandwich. Oh chiz. In the background, I heard Sam and Freddie's hysterical laughter and Carly's high pitched screams. I threw the sandwich on the floor and stomped on it to put out the flames.

"How does this even happen?"

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><p><em>Merci pour la lecture!<em> Thanks for reading!

Oh and pardon my French. (literally, haha.)

Kk, don't forget to review please! :D


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